Why We Assume for Each Other Without Asking

Sometimes your intuition says, “Stop, not now.” But you ignore it anyway. That’s what happened to me when I was installing a door, and the impact turned out to be greater than I had expected. My wife had bought a new door, and it had been waiting in the garage for a while. Before I could get started on that, I had another job: finishing the storage under the stairs. Once that was done, I felt good. The task was completed nicely, and I thought it was enough for the day.

But instead of listening to that feeling, I ignored it. I took out the old door, measured everything again, and discovered that the new door was too long. My intuition said, “Leave it for now, fix everything, and do it another time.” Did I listen? No.

I didn’t have the proper saw, so I grabbed the jigsaw – not exactly ideal for this kind of work. And sure enough, the cut ended up jagged and crooked. At that moment, I felt just like the little red character from Inside Out: completely fired up and angry at myself.

What Happens When Your Emotions Take Over?

Right at that moment, Iris and James came in after a bike ride. Iris immediately sensed the tension in the house and asked, “It’s just a door, why are you so angry?” “Just because. I’m angry at myself. I should have known better.” She became sad, while I remained angry. She expected me to say sorry. I thought she didn’t want to see me. We didn’t speak about it for days, until we could finally discuss it calmly – without emotion, but from our mature sides.

What we then realized was that we had assumed for each other without even voicing it.

Assuming for Each Other Instead of Asking

This happens not only in relationships but also at work.
Think of situations like:
– “He must be too busy.”
– “She probably doesn’t want to do that.”
– “I don’t think I can ask for such a big salary increase.”
– “I’m not getting an iPad from the company anyway.”

All of these are conclusions we draw about others without actually asking. And often, behind them lies a deeper emotion. Sometimes it’s the fear of rejection, sometimes it’s insecurity, and sometimes it’s an old belief we unconsciously carry.

And yes, the answer might indeed be a rejection. But that’s exactly where things often go wrong: we react emotionally. Whereas if you maintain a mature attitude, you could simply ask: “Oh, why is that so? Could you explain it so I can understand better?” That’s how it should be. But we often let our own assumptions and emotions take control, even before the conversation has even started.

Everyone Has Their Own Communication Frequency

My wife is very good at communication at home but can sometimes struggle in a business setting. I, on the other hand, am stronger in the business world but sometimes shut down at home. No one is “broken” and everyone is unique. Sometimes it’s just a matter of finding the right channel and communicating on that frequency. After all, you can’t receive all radio stations on one frequency, so why do we assume it works differently with people?

Keep the conversation going. Ask instead of assuming. And speak kindly and openly with your partner, colleague, or friend.